Look Ma No Hands

By Mark Evans

... and I'm wearing clean underwear!

So, I have a question for anyone who’s ever been in or seen a “karaoke” contest. Why in the hell are some of them judged on appearance and/or performance?!

I’d love to see the karaoke contest where a paralyzed, ratty-clothed, smelly person in a wheelchair gets up (or doesn’t get up) to sing, kicks ass at the song, scores 0 on both appearance and performance, and then sues the pants off the contest host.

A “karaoke” contest has nothing to do with what you look like or wear. I would imagine there are a lot of homeless or really bad-off people who are very good singers out there, and could really use the... “recognition” (bet you thought I’d say money).

A “karaoke” contest has nothing to do with performance. Look at Ruben Studdard. He won American Idol, and barely moved around the stage every time he sang. Here’s what I love. I love when someone competing in a karaoke contest comes off the stage, never looks at the words the entire time they are singing, has great delivery, but misses half the lyrics, walks “behind” the judges, or does a little interpretive dance. This isn’t a talent show people! If I wanted to compete in a talent show, I’d take a drama or dance class, and compete in a “TALENT” show. This is not a “TALENT” competition. This is “KARAOKE!”

I have been singing since I was four years old, and I can tell you honestly that I’m not the most expressive person when I’m on stage all the time; and when I am, I’m thinking more about being expressive than I am about the actual song I’m singing. You ever wonder why you see so much lip syncing these days from professional artists? Because it’s hard as hell to do a dance and sing a song at the same time!

Also, if a person is doing a ballad, are they supposed to move around the stage or do a dance? “MTV Unplugged” was one of the most popular musical shows on TV when I was younger; and I love the fact that all they did was sit in a chair! Anyway, I do my best at the songs I sing, and that’s what I’m good at.

It’s amazing the number of “karaoke” competitions I’ve seen where the person singing missed the lyrics or changed them to suit themselves, couldn’t hear half of what they were saying, or even changed the tune, or sang a song that consisted of maybe three notes, then won the competition. It makes me sick! I wish I was a Spanish teacher so I could go in one day and give my kids a German quiz and watch their reaction. That’s a perfect metaphor for most karaoke shows I’ve seen these days. As a person who knows music and could give a rat’s ass about “performance” or “appearance,” allow me to share some pointers about what music or karaoke “should be” judged on:

Diction: Can you hear what the hell the person is saying, or are they screaming, barely singing, or stuttering into the microphone?
Difficulty: Are they singing the “safe” song, or are they actually challenging their own voice and showing the range of what they can do?
Accuracy: Are they actually singing the lyrics, or are they doing their own rendition of a Southern Baptist church choir where they break off the lyrics and start speaking in tongues into the microphone?
Delivery: Do you feel what the person is singing? If it’s a sad song, do you feel sad? If it’s a happy song, do you feel happy? Is the person selling the song, or are they just singing the notes?

That’s it. I’m sure there may be other things a person could find to judge on. Also, 1 through 10 is the preferred range that a category should be judged on. Anything less doesn’t leave enough room for the judges to play with between the good singer and the really good singer.

Anyway, that’s my ‘put. Singing should be judged on “singing.” That’s it and that’s all.

Mark Evans